High cost of Igbo traditional marriage - "Bride price" versus "Marriage list"

Stereotypes about bride price

There are several misconceptions about bride price in African culture. In recent times, there have been several questions on the importance of bride price. Some schools of thought believe that bride pride portrays womenfolk as commodities therefore should be abolished. It is obvious that some illiterate and literate men seem not to understand the significance of bride pride in our culture thereby abusing their wives saying how they own them because they have paid their bride pride. Any man that uses bride price as a reason to abuse his wife is only bolstering his male chauvinism and sexism. At this point there is need to practice this symbolic tradition properly rather than getting it twisted because human beings are priceless therefore no man can afford the price of a woman.

BBC: Bride Price and Marriage list in Mbaise

In Igbo culture, no matter the amount of bride pride paid by the groom, it is considered to be only a part of what is required for the marriage while the remaining part is expected to be fulfilled at the death of the woman. It is believed that you cannot finish paying for a wife and there is an Igbo adage that says "Adighi emecha aku nwanyi emecha".

I have also read a lot of write-ups accusing Igbo people of high bride price but I would like to let you know that there is difference between "bride price" and "marriage list". Bearing in mind that bride pride varies across Igboland but it is not as expensive as social media is portraying it to be. Most people tend to confuse these two different things thereby making a costly assumption that marrying in Igbo land is very expensive. This totally depends on the locality due to the fact that some towns have made their own "marriage list" to be very long with frivolities and unimportant items. I personally think that it will be good for general reorientation and sensitisation on these topics for clarity and better understanding.

Igbo traditional marriage

When a man decides on a lady to marry, he tells his parents. His family makes some investigations and consultations to make sure the lady is from a good family that is healthy, morally sound and not an outcast traditionally known as "osu". The man together with his parents pays a visit to the lady's parents to ask for her hands in marriage. According to Igbo customs and traditions, the customary marriage rites involve 4 stages when the man has already identified his wife otherwise it could be longer with the process of identifying and selecting the bride. In the olden days igbo marriage used to be through match making by parents or friends commonly known as "arrangee" marriage, however it is still in existence but not as much as before.

1. Marriage introduction "Iku aka": The English translation of "Iku aka" is knocking on the door. This is an introductory visit of the groom-to-be to his prospective in-laws to formally introduce himself and his family while disclosing his intentions of marrying their daughter and also seek for their consent. The groom to be must go in company of his father, friend and any other elderly relatives. It is not acceptable to go empty handed on this first visit therefore there is need to present your prospective in-laws with gifts such as hot drinks, kolanuts or any other discretionary gifts. If his intended bride gives her consent then the gifts can be accepted and share on the spot otherwise the gifts will be returned to the groom-to-be. Further visits will be scheduled and the "marriage list" is collected from the prospective in-laws. This is where the problem is because some greedy families can inflate the "marriage list" inorder to extort money from the groom. Normally basic items on the "marriage list" varies for different localities in Southeastern part of Nigeria and can range from kegs of palm wine, kolanuts, hot drinks, cartons of beer, heads of tobacco, snuff, tubers of yams, cartons of soft drinks to malt drinks. Other ostentatious goods can include: hollandis wrappers for "omugwo", jewellery, head ties, shoes, boxes, walking stick, chieftaincy wear and different cash gifts for several groups. There are other items on the list for certain groups such as "umunna" (kinsmens), "ndi nwuyedi" (women married into the bride's kindred) and umuada (kindred daughters of the bride's family). There is also another visit to the bride's extended family together with some gifts such as cartons of malt drink on a different day for the groom's introduction to her extended family members.
2. Bride price "Ime ego": After receiving the consent of the prospective in-laws, the next step is paying of bride price which is a token of the groom-to-be's commitment in the marriage. "Ime ego" as it is called in Igbo involves lengthy negotiations between the two families as regards the value of the bride-to-be in terms of her values, accomplishments and virtues. The fun aspect of this process is that sometimes there seems to be disagreements, quarrels and begging until two parties reach a compromise. Once the bride price is paid, the bride leaves with her husband to his home where she will stay for 4 days before retuning to her family. On her return, if she still wants to continue with the marriage, she will tell her father. And the  groom-to-be discusses the date and plans for "Igbo nkwu" with his in-laws. 
3. Wine-carrying ceremony "Igba nkwu nwanyi": This is the traditional marriage ceremony performed in the bride's home in the presence of friends, close and extended families as witnesses to the wedding. The cost is footed by the groom therefore it is entirely upto him and his wife to decide on how big or small they want it to be depending on their pockets.
4. Dowry "Idu uno": There are lots of confusion between the bride price and dowry. Some people use the two words interchangeably. However, dowry is a duty families owe their daughters in Igbo land. It is a gift from the bride's family to the bride towards setting up her own home. Based on their pocket and affordability; this can be money, household items, jewellery, furniture, domestic animals; some rich families give car and/or plot of land to their daughters. And if the lady is gainfully employed, she can also buy a few things herself. Ideally the preparation of a woman's dowry should begin at birth. 

Reflections on "Marriage list" in Igbo traditional marriage

• What key roles did these social groups (Umunna, Umuada and Ndi nwunyedi) perform in the upbringing of the bride that these groups reflect on the traditional marriage list... Did they pay  her school fees or hospitals bills or any other support fees???
• Kinsmen after sharing their free drinks, one person can receive up to 9 bottles of assorted drinks... What a waste??? And some have the guts of demanding for more expensive canned drinks or Malta Guinness being the best malt brand.
• The most annoying part is that if the day that groups will share their drinks coincides with the "Igbankwu" day; everybody leaves their drinks for take home while they partake also from the celebration drinks....Which is just unfair and adds to the long list that the groom-to-be collects from his prospective in-laws.
• Not to think of the families who inflate the marriage list.... Are your daughters for sale???

Bride price and its significance in African culture

The custom of paying bride price is widely practised all over African countries although the traditions vary. In South Africa, it is known as "Lobola" and can be presented either in money or cows or both.

In some countries such as Burkina Faso there are no set amount, a little money is given but mainly in goods including kola nuts, drinks, cigarettes and sometimes a goat.

Bride price is a token that groom-to-be gives to his prospective in-laws as an estimation of the value of his intended bride which can be in monetary or in material form such as cowry shells, cows and others. It is a gesture of his willingness to marry their daughter and also seen as a way of thanking the bride's family for bringing her up. It is an important aspect of traditional marriage and also an essential part of a valid customary marriage. In African culture, it is considered symbolic however due to Nigerian diversity, it is peculiar to each culture and every tradition. Bride price is agreed by both families kinsmen however, women are not involved in the bride price negotiation process.

Cowry shells were used in the olden days for payment of bride price.

In most African countries, it confirms the validity of traditional marriage because without payment of the bride price, a marriage is considered invalid. A couple is said to be unmarried until the man pays for the lady's bride pride even when they are already living together. Most often the children from that kind of marriage in which bride price was not paid are classified as children got out of wedlock therefore belong to the woman's family and the man has no rights over them traditionally. It sometimes serve as a pre-requisite for church and civil marriages. It is symbolic act rather than about buying the wife as some people see it to be.

Divorce is highly frowned at in African traditions and the stigma that comes with it mostly affects the women however, returning of bride price signifies a divorce and without returning the bride price, a woman cannot be driven out of her husband's house. When a marriage is ruptured and the bride price is not returned, the woman is taken to still be the man's wife even when the couples are no longer together. Therefore when a high bride pride is paid, it becomes very difficult or impossible to return when there is an issue of abuse and can also subject a woman to be treated as a commodity. Bride pride is a cultural practice that builds stronger family relationships, in some cases and makes a lady respect her husband and his family.

Today, some people perceive bride pride to be an "enrichment scheme" for the bride's family leaving the newly wed couple in financial debts. It is also considered to give a man an "economic control" over his wife which puts her on a lower pedestal than the man. I can say "yes" because all monetary presentation as bride price reinforces the negation and stereotypes that portrays it as a commercial transaction. Therefore at this point, there is need for a review of the process of Igbo traditional marriage making it free from all forms of extortion and monetary transactions because this is a part of our culture that signifies an expression of love and respect for womanhood.

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